Beautiful Pain
by horrorstar100
Summary: After being released from a mental institution, Kaname finds himself wanting to work to keep himself from being tempted to his bad habits. He soon finds himself working under his estranged friend and lawyer, Takuma Ichijo who has greatly changed from their years apart but he can't decide whether it's good or bad. A/B/O Trigger warnings: Self-harm and BDSM
1. Chapter 1

**My new Vampire Knight story, I hope you guys like it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Knight**

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For as long as I could remember I knew I wasn't normal.

When I presented as an omega I knew my life was going to be difficult with others seeing only a good spouse, it made befriending others who weren't omegas difficult but not impossible but there were still many who were unimpressed with my attitude, it wasn't as if I was rude but more that I wasn't timid or docile in the presence of alphas, if I disagreed with their views, especially when it came to me, then I wasn't afraid to voice my opinions and wouldn't be cowed by their flaring tempers or attempts to take control, just as mother taught me from a young age to never bow down to others whims, I wasn't going to change because of my second gender.

But as I grew older and experienced sexual desire for the first time I discovered a pleasure that not many people would find enjoyable to say the least, a pleasure that could only be brought about when I had pain inflicted upon myself that often left partners disconcerted at best or completely disturbed at worst. I learned quickly not to ask for such things but not many of my relationships could last when I had to find other alternatives to satisfy my abnormal desire for pain that often led to questions I didn't wish to answer.

I thought I could hide my abnormalities; it became easy when I stopped dating and graduated high school, my friends and I drifted apart as we pursued our career paths, studying the necessary courses I needed to get an internship with my father's company despite my status making things difficult for many career choices I wished to pursue.

I could handle the judgmental opinions people had of me, I could handle the cut throat business executives that often looked at me in either loathing, lust or a mix of the two, and I could even handle my work despite the busy schedule and expectations that many would cripple under.

But the only reason I could handle it was by hurting myself to stay calm before it could truly take hold, every time I felt the building stress or anxiety that threatened to spiral out of control I would hurt myself, the pain would satiate the desire no one else could satisfy, it was morbid and unsightly but I didn't care because it was something that was mine to control and I wasn't going to let anyone take it away from me.

…That is until…

…I made a mistake…

…And all my abnormalities came to light along with everything I had built crumbling around me.

But strangely when I lost the internship I felt only relief, there was no sense of loss like I expected but it was when my family only looked at me with fear as I did basic everyday tasks that I knew I needed to do something to make sure they wouldn't have to worry.

I would have to do everything I can to make sure they never look at me like that again, even if it meant getting rid of those abnormal traits that everyone despised while I found pleasure in them.

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**I hope you enjoyed the introduction, the first chapter will be posted up shortly so be on the lookout! This story is inspired by 'Secretary' and I highly recommend it for any who haven't seen it.**

**Follow, fave, review**


	2. Chapter 2

**As promised, the first real chapter.**

**Disclaimer:I don't own Vampire Knight**

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Kaname felt a mix of anxiety and relief as he finished signing the papers, shifting his duffle bag awkwardly as he was led out of the mental institution by his psychiatrist, listening carefully to their supportive words of encouragement with all the progress in the months that he had stayed there. He had grown accustomed to his life having routine and felt a pang of unease that he would have to discover a new routine; the only positive that he could see was that his family would be helping him adjust since he was still on watch until he proved that he can be trusted alone with sharp objects.

"Kaname!" he looked up at the sound of his mother's voice, seeing Juri stood by the car and waving to him with a jovial smile.

"Don't hesitate to call me if your anxiety gets worse or if those dark thoughts resurface." His psychiatrist said, handing him a business card that he accepted with a hesitant nod before heading over to his mother, he tried offering her a smile but it felt awkward and fake, from her grimace he could see she could read it as well but nevertheless she walked around the car and hugged him tightly, inhaling the scent of jasmine from her elegant curls as he returned the hug, allowing the nostalgic comfort envelop him before they separated but she still retained her gentle smile that eased his previous fears at the idea of returning home after five months institutionalized.

"It's so good to have you back." Juri said softly, combing her fingers through his hair affectionately, Kaname silently nodded in response but smiled genuinely under her gentle touch which in turn made her beam up at him for gaining his natural smile. She guided him to the car, putting his bag in the backseat and letting out a sigh of relief as he seated himself and the car door closed, allowing the unsettling anxiety to slowly make itself known with the new changes that were going to become a part of his life after months of a monotonous yet pleasantly simplistic routine that he had grown used to.

'You can do this…' Kaname thought to himself as he tried to keep his breathing steady as his mother entered the car and started driving away from the place that had given his unsteady mind a sense of balance 'You can't go back to _those_ habits again, you need to be normal and not pull another stunt like before.' His hand balled into a tight fist with his nails digging into his palm to give the slight sting of pressure against his skin as he recalled the _incident_ that had pushed him to commit himself to a mental institute, something he didn't like thinking back on as it made him feel ashamed of how much his actions had terrified his parents and sister to the point where they treated him like a ticking time bomb about to explode if they said or did something that could set them off 'Just be a good normal omega that doesn't terrify his own family with his unnatural interests.' Kaname managed to level his breathing enough to loosen his fist, he glanced down to see the crescent indents in his palm but luckily he didn't break the skin like he usually would so he counted it as an achievement but still had to get through the rest of today before he could call it a complete victory.

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During the ride home, all Kaname could envision was his return back home where he would likely encounter his family who would welcome him home and he could lock himself in his room to try and adjust to being back with his family once more but now under their watchful gaze to make sure he didn't start his old habits again. What he didn't expect was to see numerous vans and trucks moving various things from white and purple flower arrangements to various tables accompanied with white linen table cloths, delicious smelling catered food to golden chairs decorated with white chiffon sashes and they were all going into his family's house, Kaname looked to his mother for answers and she at least looked sheepish at what they were arriving to.

"Yuki wanted you to attend her wedding." He blinked owlishly before remembering his sister was newly engaged to her childhood friend turned boyfriend, Zero Kiryu, before he committed himself for five months, it wasn't that he didn't want to see his sister get married because he very much did but he was really on edge at the thought of being swarmed by various friends and family when the main focus should be solely on Yuki and Zero getting married.

"Are you sure I should go?" he asked cautiously, he wasn't worried about alphas trying to get with him, his doctor always made sure he was taking suppressants regularly to avoid anything setting back his progress and still had a pack that should last him for three months, and knew his parents well enough to know they wouldn't try throwing him into the dating pool just yet, not when he was still trying to acclimate to normal life.

"We'll make sure you're with someone so that no one crowds you." Juri said as she rubbed his shoulder in a comforting manner but it did little to reassure him, he could already hear the hushed tones and gossiping about his return after he quit his internship and abruptly cut off all contact for five months, now he was an unemployed omega in his twenties trying everything he can to suppress his unnatural urges so that he can have a normal life once more.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" he asked cautiously, as much as he longed to see Yuki get married he just couldn't help feeling uneasy at the thought of drawing all the attention.

"It'll be okay." Juri rubbed his shoulder in a comforting manner, giving him a gentle smile as she waited for him to slowly calm down "Besides, we told everyone you were at a nature retreat that prohibited cellphones." She added before stepping out of the car, catching him off guard with the cover up his family had done for him; it wasn't like he thought they were telling everyone he checked himself into a mental hospital after being declared a suicide risk but he still felt appreciative towards the gesture.

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After changing into a suit that he found laid out on his bed and being driven to the church where the ceremony was being held, Kaname was sat beside his mother at the front, hearing numerous footsteps of people arriving for the big day. His father wasn't with them but he knew he'd be with Yuki since it was his duty to give her away, Zero was up at the alter with his twin brother Ichiru and best man and friend Kaito talking to each other with two other guys he didn't recognize, Kaname remembered he was originally meant to be one of the groomsman but honestly he was glad not to be up the front if it meant delaying the inevitable attention he would receive.

He had taken to scratching his wrist to distract himself until the music started and everyone stood up, he was still scratching as he watched the bridesmaids in their lilac dresses walking down the aisle, his scratching had turned to digging in his nails when the music changed he saw his father and Yuki enter, seeing her in the lovely ivory lace gown with her long chocolate tresses pinned up with pale blue flowers and clutching a bouquet of white lilies was a lovely sight, her gentle smile and kind eyes that once could ease his troubles but now brought him feelings of guilt and a need to lock himself in a room and get his psychiatrist on the phone before he decided to do something drastic.

He fell back into his seat when he felt his mother tug on his sleeve, his father on his other side that did little to comfort him but it did serve as a reminder to keep his eyes at the alter as the priest was proceeding with the ceremony. As the priest officiated the ceremony Kaname's grip on his wrist had tightened to the point where his knuckles were turning white, his gaze struggling to focus on the couple as they said their vows and instead all his mind could focus on was the pain of his nails pressing deeper into his skin, urging him to squeeze tighter, dig deeper to make the pain grow to the point of-

Kaname gasped when a wetness was felt along his fingers as the bride and groom shared their first kiss as bride and groom, the cheers luckily hid the sound he made and he looked down to his hands, letting go of his wrist to find his index, middle and ring finger nails decorated in small droplets of blood, he pulled up his sleeve to find he had succeeded in breaking the skin and three crescent indentations on his wrist were producing blood, not a lot that it was dripping onto the floor but enough to draw attention if anyone was paying attention.

Quickly pulling down his sleeve, Kaname looked back up as he wiped his hands on his trousers, thankful that his suit was black to hide the blood, he locked eyes with his sister who was radiating joy as she was embraced by her husband. The heartwarming sight should have made him feel happy but he just felt like an intruder to the happy occasion, even when his sister smiled at him and he returned it albeit awkwardly, it he couldn't feel the same happy emotions like everyone around him and as soon as Yuki looked away from him he returned to his blank expression that was best suited to hiding his inner turmoil.

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The reception was worse, at least the ceremony prevented people from approaching him while he sat up the front but such pleasantries weren't available the second everyone arrived back at his family home to have the reception in the back yard. It was almost as if he had a neon sign calling for all to come speak to him and all he could do was endure it, sitting at the main table as the wedding guests approached him while he struggled to retain his strained fake smile.

"Oh you look so good Kaname; I hope you're doing well after… You know…"

"I'm glad you're doing so well, everyone was so worried."

"I wish you called when you were gone, so much happened while you were away like…"

"You know… Ouri and Sara broke up a couple months ago, I'm sure either one of them would like such a lovely omega like you."

Things got worse when his grandparents came to see him; he had already dropped the false smile for an unimpressed expression when he had to endure being hassled with the name drop of every alpha that was still single until his grandparents approached, both were wearing strict expressions on their aged faces as they looked at him.

"Now that you've gotten rid of those nasty habits of yours you can get a start on finding a good alpha." Was the first thing he got from his grandmother, he internally sighed as he remained silent, his expression unchanging as he looked into her cold blue eyes.

"You went to school with Sara right? I'm sure she'll treat you nicely, she has a habit of spoiling her omegas." His grandfather suggested with his burgundy eyes glancing at the beautiful blonde alpha who was sipping champagne and talking to Zero's aunt Shizuka Hio and evidently enjoying herself, Kaname recalled Sara admiring Shizuka Hio throughout high school, always buying Hio designed yukatas and kimonos for every event that allowed her to wear one so he could tell that talking to one of her idols was a dream come true for her and going over there right now would only end with his eyes getting clawed out by her perfectly manicured nails so he wasn't even going to approach her no matter how desperate he was to get away from his grandparents.

"She looks kind of busy right now." Kaname said in a bored tone as he tugged at his sleeve, thankful that his nail marks were easy to hide and was glad that they stopped bleeding by the time the reception started.

"But Ouri isn't." his grandmother added, he couldn't hide the contempt as his grandmother pointed out the older alpha who was sitting by himself with a glass of champagne, he didn't look to be happy nor did he look to be upset considering he was invited to the same venue as his ex-fiancé, from what Kaname could tell Ouri seemed perfectly fine on his own but that wasn't how his grandmother was seeing it "He's been so lonely since him and Sara ended things." Kaname had to resist rolling his eyes in the presence of his grandparents; he was so tempted to call bullshit on that since he could imagine both Sara and Ouri being perfectly happy to finally be separated from their arranged marriage that would have been disastrous for the both of them considering they were both alphas with the worst opposing personalities anyone could try to pair off.

"Sure he has." Kaname said with light sarcasm as he sipped his water, he was hoping they would leave, just leave him alone to sit in his blessed solitude throughout the rest of the reception before he could finally go to his room and scream into his pillows.

"And it's not like you're getting any younger, you're already twenty five and still unmarried." This time Kaname did roll his eyes since he had heard that spiel since he turned sixteen, he didn't understand why his grandparents had a problem with him being single when his past experience with dating were usually disastrous because of his interests and he just found it easier to be single, it was less humiliating than freaking out his lover when he asked them to do things to him that made them disturbed to the point of ending things whilst they were having sex.

"Kaname!" he never felt so relieved to hear his sister's voice when she was approaching but his once relaxed smile became strained when he saw her approaching with someone that wasn't her husband.

"Yuki…" he said, hoping his eye wasn't twitching in irritation as his sister and the newcomer stopped in front of him and his grandparents "…Isaya." He greeted the man as calmly and respectively as he could but a sense of dread had settled in his stomach, he was wondering why Yuki brought him over since it had been years since they last spoke to each other since he had started high school when Isaya had graduated and went off to university and even before then it was usually awkward small talk between them since Isaya was five years older than him and they only met because his parents were friends with their parents.

"Isaya, why don't you and Kaname go dance for a bit, I just want to talk to my grandparents for a bit." Yuki suggested with a light tone and already the red flags were flying up for Kaname, he'd rather take his grandparents complaints about him getting old than deal with this but it didn't seem like a viable option since his grandparents were already pulling Yuki away and Isaya was holding his hand out for him.

"Care to dance?" Isaya asked, Kaname wanted to say no, anything to be left alone to wallow in his own self-deprecation before he can finally be left to his blessed solitude in his room but he also knew he had to function normally, he had already made big steps towards getting better and just one dance wasn't the equivalent of walking down the aisle.

"Sure." Kaname answered with a shrug before taking Isaya's hand and allowing the older man to lead him to the dance floor.

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It might have been the Prozac he had taken that morning, it might have been the blatant romance in the atmosphere that differed greatly from the sterile orderliness the institution held, and it was most likely the way Isaya would dip and sway him on the dance floor but somehow he had agreed to a date with him. It was unplanned and for a moment Kaname could admit he was having fun to the point where he could almost feel as if he wasn't screwed up and maybe he could consider dating again sooner than he expected.

…Almost…

When he finally could sit down and the high from dancing started to fade he felt a familiar itch that urged him to start scratching at his wrist if it meant getting the sweet release of pain he was trying to suppress. As evening fell and he was finally allowed to go to his bedroom once guests started leaving, Kaname rushed in there and started stripping himself down until he was only left in his white button up shirt and boxers before falling onto his bed with an exhausted sigh. He then pulled down his sleeve to inspect his marks, the blood had solidified and as he ran his fingers over it he could feel the hardened scabs contrasting against his smooth skin, as he continued inspecting it he noticed that the nail marks weren't too far off from a prominent pink scar that crossed over his veins, as his fingers traced over it he could feel the indentation of the cut that was once made and reminded him of why he had spent the past five months in a mental institution, it reminded him of all the self-inflicted harm he would do to his body and the gratification he would get as the pain would give him the sweet pleasure that was unlike any other. As if on muscle memory he slipped off the bed and reached his hand underneath his mattress, searching around until his fingers grazed the familiar metal box and he pulled it out and sat down on his bed before opening it.

Inside were the familiar bandages and dressing but scattered haphazardly were sharp implements that he had collected to satisfy his need for pain, picking up the razor blade reminded him of the thrill as his heart would race the closer it got to his skin, coiling into a tight knot that would only find release once he made that smooth slice. It was the natural instincts Kaname thought he long buried deep down that were screaming at him to do it, to press the blade into his skin and make a new scar, he wanted to just press the blade against his nail marks to make them sting, the pain would be a relief from all that had happened to make him so anxious and stressed.

A loud cheer from outside broke his concentration, he put the blade down and looked out the window to see Yuki and Zero changed out of their wedding attire and leaving with the remaining guests celebrating the newly-weds going on their honeymoon. He felt himself giving the happy couple a gentle smile as they entered the car, to see Yuki happy was the push he needed to put the razor blade back in the box and close it, instead of tucking it under his mattress once more he walked across the room to his desk and after a quick search for the key he opened one of the locked drawers and shoved the box in there before locking it back up again.

He felt proud of himself for resisting the temptation, despite the accidental marks from his nails he could still feel victorious for not doing it intentionally with his old kit and once he got himself ready and dressed for bed, he felt he could calmly sleep tonight without the assistance of pills.

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**Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, I'll be posting the next chapter in a few months at the latest along with Blessed sin.**

**Follow, fave, review!**


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